I'm in a strange mood. One of those sad, bittersweet moods where you think about your life and what it entails and what you wish it would entail and what you're lucky. It started when I started talking to a friend, and that reminded me of another friend who got in a bit of a spot and is now facing jail time. (Don't comment me with questions or comments on that subject - for privacy of all involved, I will not say any more)
Basically now I'm thinking about how my life is good but sucks at the same time. It's good because I have such great friends and I like all my classes - excluding one major exception - and basically nothing is wrong. My classes are hard, but I like a challenge. My life requires much homework, but I don't dislike homework. Music has colored my life like I never thought possible (basically there are very few hours of my day not dotted with music; silence is so LOUD).
The 'sucks' part is hard to explain and has been enforced by several different occurrences in my life. Part of it is my lack of a boyfriend. I'm the kind of person who never really minds being alone - as much as I love people, there's nothing like sitting alone in your bedroom - but sometimes it gets tiresome. A part of me so wants someone to go do things with on Saturday night and someone to feel my heart ache for when we're apart and someone to kiss on the dance floor during Homecoming. Most of all, I want this person to be someone who I really WANT, not just someone there because. This is my biggest problem.
I'm at the moment where I'm so tired of my surroundings. I like my life, but it's too familiar. It's like listening to the same song too many times or running a flat, straight cross country course. I see what's ahead and I see what's behind and I know this turn and that without looking. Not that I don't mind these things. Singing is easy when you know the words. Air-guitaring is simple when you know the exact rhythm. Dancing is perfect when the beats are ingrained into your brain cells. And no hills or turns or roots or jumps makes for a perfect cross country course.
I'm happy.
I am.
It's just too easy.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
This is my random blog. I have three things to talk about (although by the end of this blog, I'll probably have talked about five or six) and there is no connection between any of them. Ready...set...GO.
One. Anyone who lives in the Pacific Northwest, as I do, will remember that last week we had record highs. On my front porch, it reached 114, which might not seem hot to some people, but to the temperate climate of the northwest, it was freaking HOT. Well, now, I'm looking outside...and it's drizzling. Oh, you've gotta love Washington.
Two. I've started sewing. Poorly, and by hand because we don't have a sewing machine, but I have. I plan to post a pic of my creation when it's done. =]
Two and a half. I have discovered the secret of losing weight when you just want to lose 20 pounds or less. You need to count calories (lame, yes, but it works), and you need to stop drinking soda, juice, and sweetened tea. This is where half your calories come from, and it's so easy to JUST DRINK WATER. Just saying.
Three. Since I did get two reviews on my 'review this blog post and get a story excerpt,' I find it unfair to say that I will not post a story. I don't want to be that kind of bitch. So, if you want it, shoot an email to onecoolnerd@gmail.com and I'll send you one back with the excerpt.
One. Anyone who lives in the Pacific Northwest, as I do, will remember that last week we had record highs. On my front porch, it reached 114, which might not seem hot to some people, but to the temperate climate of the northwest, it was freaking HOT. Well, now, I'm looking outside...and it's drizzling. Oh, you've gotta love Washington.
Two. I've started sewing. Poorly, and by hand because we don't have a sewing machine, but I have. I plan to post a pic of my creation when it's done. =]
Two and a half. I have discovered the secret of losing weight when you just want to lose 20 pounds or less. You need to count calories (lame, yes, but it works), and you need to stop drinking soda, juice, and sweetened tea. This is where half your calories come from, and it's so easy to JUST DRINK WATER. Just saying.
Three. Since I did get two reviews on my 'review this blog post and get a story excerpt,' I find it unfair to say that I will not post a story. I don't want to be that kind of bitch. So, if you want it, shoot an email to onecoolnerd@gmail.com and I'll send you one back with the excerpt.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
So, the other day, I'm in Lowe's with my mom and we both need to...relieve ourselves. And into the bathroom we go. We do our business, then leave the stalls and are washing our hands when another woman walks in with a cell phone plastered to her ear. She enters a stall...and then keeps talking!!! I'm not saying she tastefully waited for a chance to close the conversation before...you know. NO. She keeps talking, whilst peeing!!!!!!
EW.
EW.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
These are times when I wish I could run away; wish I had the gall and the courage. Times when I feel everyone around me is simply ignoring my sorrow, or perhaps I really am that great of an actress. In short, nothing truly is plaguing my soul except the lonesomeness I cannot escape. I feel confined within this home and within this body. I wish I were somewhere else, was someone else. I feel so weak, admitting to this fault of mine, but it's my true feelings and it seems ridiculous to mask these, especially to people who read my blog but otherwise know little of me - with the exception of my friend Cass. I feel like shit, that's all I can say. My life has been diminished to a room, although this is, of course, my own choice. I've spent my summer days watching Gilmore Girls, until I ran out of episodes that I had on DVD, then I turned to online episodes of InuYasha (I found a great free online anime provider). I feel pathetic. I feel lonely. It doesn't matter that I can text people all day if I so choose, it's the fact that that's all I do. Three times today I nearly got in my car and drive away, a crime only because I have yet to possess a license of my own. I just need to get out of this TOWN. I feel so trapped!!!! I'll go with anyone just to leave, even if they're just going to the grocery store or to Target or Home Depot. I - I just want to be with other people.
But I guess I'm so pathetic even my so-called 'best friend' turns a cold shoulder to me.
But I guess I'm so pathetic even my so-called 'best friend' turns a cold shoulder to me.
Monday, June 29, 2009
To my future One And Only,
I am sixteen years old, and that doesn't seem like a lot. But I think more than I speak, which says something because I speak more than most people would like. And trust me, at sixteen, I've thought long and hard about what I want my husband to look like, act like, and just generally be like. At sixteen, I have no clue if you'll be anything like my imagination, but I intend to detail it precisely right... now.
I don't know what you'll look like, but sadly, here lies potentially the most shallow piece of myself. Because I cannot imagine marrying anyone unattractive. Wait - before you think me superficial, please hear me out. "Attractive" is such a broad spectrum to me, because I think Pete Wentz is attractive, but I also think Matthew Perry is attractive (if you just said or thought "Who?" at Matthew Perry it is clear we cannot be together). I drool at Davey Havok and also at Corbin Bleu. "Sexy" holds no boundaries to me. Sexy is African and sexy is Caucasian and sexy is Latino and Native American and Asian and Middle Eastern. Sexy is red-haired and brunnette and black-haired and caramel-colored. Blonde is less sexy than the rest of these. Sexy is gorgeous eyes (I'm particularily partial to green eyes). Sexy is thin and muscular, but sexy is also a little chunky. I imagine a mix of all these things in you. I wonder how many qualities you'll hold?
As for your personality, you MUST be open-minded and silly and crazy and spontaneous and a little insane. Please kiss me when we're angry and please make our dates at strange places. Remember what I like, always, because I try to remember what you like. Treat me like a lady, but don't reat me like a delicate flower which cannot do man-things. Please don't text on dates - it's rude. Introduce me to your favorite bands, and love all kinds of music because music is the second-most holy thing on this planet. Speaking of holy things, I want us to share a religion that loves its God whole-heartedly. (And speaking of holey things, I like swiss cheese!) Travel with me, and I don't just mean across the country or to Europe or Asia or Africa or anywhere like that. I want to go there, too, but sometimes I just want to walk. Driving doesn't let you stop and look and see. Let's walk around Seattle, walk around Portland, walk around Forks or Bellingham or Tillamook.
I hope you don't like Halo or World of Warcraft, but if you do, well...you're a guy. I hope you're rough, but sweet and sarcastic, but sincere and sensitive. Be a contradiction. I hope you love music like you love breathing and I hope you love Jesus twice as much as you love me. I hope you read. I hope you love to obtain new knowledge and are sad when college ends because it's the end of structured learning and you love that like me. I hope you're tidy and cool-headed and tall and muscular, to compensate for all I am not. I hope when you read this, I am still a virgin and so are you. I hope you pressure me about all the right things and leave all else alone. I hope you'll watch chick flicks with me and love them. I hope you cry at "My Sister's Keeper" and "The Notebook" and "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas." When we watch "Dirty Dancing," I hope you hold me while I cry (I also hope you see that I'm not crying because it's really sad, but because I see you and I see Johnny and I worry that could happen to us). I hope you dance in the rain and I hope you sing well. I hope you have passion and love in your heart. I hope you like the rain. I hope we grow old together.
Now I'm sad... =[
I love you, my Future.
I don't know what you'll look like, but sadly, here lies potentially the most shallow piece of myself. Because I cannot imagine marrying anyone unattractive. Wait - before you think me superficial, please hear me out. "Attractive" is such a broad spectrum to me, because I think Pete Wentz is attractive, but I also think Matthew Perry is attractive (if you just said or thought "Who?" at Matthew Perry it is clear we cannot be together). I drool at Davey Havok and also at Corbin Bleu. "Sexy" holds no boundaries to me. Sexy is African and sexy is Caucasian and sexy is Latino and Native American and Asian and Middle Eastern. Sexy is red-haired and brunnette and black-haired and caramel-colored. Blonde is less sexy than the rest of these. Sexy is gorgeous eyes (I'm particularily partial to green eyes). Sexy is thin and muscular, but sexy is also a little chunky. I imagine a mix of all these things in you. I wonder how many qualities you'll hold?
As for your personality, you MUST be open-minded and silly and crazy and spontaneous and a little insane. Please kiss me when we're angry and please make our dates at strange places. Remember what I like, always, because I try to remember what you like. Treat me like a lady, but don't reat me like a delicate flower which cannot do man-things. Please don't text on dates - it's rude. Introduce me to your favorite bands, and love all kinds of music because music is the second-most holy thing on this planet. Speaking of holy things, I want us to share a religion that loves its God whole-heartedly. (And speaking of holey things, I like swiss cheese!) Travel with me, and I don't just mean across the country or to Europe or Asia or Africa or anywhere like that. I want to go there, too, but sometimes I just want to walk. Driving doesn't let you stop and look and see. Let's walk around Seattle, walk around Portland, walk around Forks or Bellingham or Tillamook.
I hope you don't like Halo or World of Warcraft, but if you do, well...you're a guy. I hope you're rough, but sweet and sarcastic, but sincere and sensitive. Be a contradiction. I hope you love music like you love breathing and I hope you love Jesus twice as much as you love me. I hope you read. I hope you love to obtain new knowledge and are sad when college ends because it's the end of structured learning and you love that like me. I hope you're tidy and cool-headed and tall and muscular, to compensate for all I am not. I hope when you read this, I am still a virgin and so are you. I hope you pressure me about all the right things and leave all else alone. I hope you'll watch chick flicks with me and love them. I hope you cry at "My Sister's Keeper" and "The Notebook" and "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas." When we watch "Dirty Dancing," I hope you hold me while I cry (I also hope you see that I'm not crying because it's really sad, but because I see you and I see Johnny and I worry that could happen to us). I hope you dance in the rain and I hope you sing well. I hope you have passion and love in your heart. I hope you like the rain. I hope we grow old together.
Now I'm sad... =[
I love you, my Future.
Friday, June 26, 2009
To Maximum Capacity...
Yeah, so stupid me, I can't figure out how the hell to send you a message. So I'm going to reply here and hope to hell you check...? Anyways. I'll be updating both semi-frequently. Hopefully, once or twice a week. The other will be mostly one-sentence blog posts.
I'd also like to take this moment to beg any reader of this to PLEASE tell your friends. I currently have two lovely, faithful readers, and I thank and love them dearly. But I'd like more. Cuz I'm gready like that. And I can't spell... (greedy not gready...)
I'd also like to take this moment to beg any reader of this to PLEASE tell your friends. I currently have two lovely, faithful readers, and I thank and love them dearly. But I'd like more. Cuz I'm gready like that. And I can't spell... (greedy not gready...)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Going to a movie with my brother tonight. We're going to see X-Men Origins. Hopefully I won't need to have remember what happened in the other three (three...yes?) movies, because I totally forgetted. My favorite character was always Rogue. Don't know why. But I always wanted to be her. Just like in Rocket Power I wanted to be Reggie. I wanted to be a tough girl. But alas, I was - and am - a wimp.
Which brings me to my first question for the comments: Who of X-Men is the most rockingest?
For the second time in the history of this blog, someone I do not know has visited and left a comment! A very nice comment, too. =] I want to thank you, Francois. And you should know that I did check out your blog, too, and it was way rad. Your posts are funny. =] I loved the Mac v. Microsoft one. *coughMacsarebettercoughcough* I really do hope you come back.
Changed the background, did you notice? Tried doing that stupid HTML code thing but apparently The Nerd is too inept to do that. I seriously spent two hours trying to figure it out. My brother went for a walk, came back and said, "You're still on that thing?!" I scowled. I actually didn't know there was a way to change the backgrounds from the usual templates. Heh. Smart one, eh?
I've been a very infrequent poster lately, but I am willing to change. In fact, I have a business proposition for you: if you invite ONE FRIEND to view my blog, I will blog once a day for a year!
New question: WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME????
Finally, I firmly believe Twitter is a waste of time. Do you tweet?
In case you need actual instructions: please answer the bold in the comments. Thank you.
Which brings me to my first question for the comments: Who of X-Men is the most rockingest?
For the second time in the history of this blog, someone I do not know has visited and left a comment! A very nice comment, too. =] I want to thank you, Francois. And you should know that I did check out your blog, too, and it was way rad. Your posts are funny. =] I loved the Mac v. Microsoft one. *coughMacsarebettercoughcough* I really do hope you come back.
Changed the background, did you notice? Tried doing that stupid HTML code thing but apparently The Nerd is too inept to do that. I seriously spent two hours trying to figure it out. My brother went for a walk, came back and said, "You're still on that thing?!" I scowled. I actually didn't know there was a way to change the backgrounds from the usual templates. Heh. Smart one, eh?
I've been a very infrequent poster lately, but I am willing to change. In fact, I have a business proposition for you: if you invite ONE FRIEND to view my blog, I will blog once a day for a year!
New question: WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME????
Finally, I firmly believe Twitter is a waste of time. Do you tweet?
In case you need actual instructions: please answer the bold in the comments. Thank you.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
How I Know There Is a God
I know God exists when I am going on a vacation for the weekend and see that my online class has few expectations for once in my life.
I know God exists when my friend wants to be in a play where rehearsals are Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday...and she works Wednesday and Friday.
I know God exists when my shy friend suddenly is bold enough to say, "Decide."
I know God exists when my arch enemy sees me crying and asks what's wrong.
I know God exists when I see a beautiful day like today.
I know God exists when my friend wants to be in a play where rehearsals are Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday...and she works Wednesday and Friday.
I know God exists when my shy friend suddenly is bold enough to say, "Decide."
I know God exists when my arch enemy sees me crying and asks what's wrong.
I know God exists when I see a beautiful day like today.
My Favorite Names
Favorite Guy Names:
Dimitri
William
Davey
Alexander
Favorite Girl Names:
Kathleen
Elaine
Astrid
Dimitri
William
Davey
Alexander
Favorite Girl Names:
Kathleen
Elaine
Astrid
Friday, February 13, 2009
Music Exclusiveness.
On my iTunes
I have African music and French music.
I have German music and Hawaiian music.
I have Disney stars and 'explicit content' signs.
I have Journey and Jim Croce.
I have Paramore and Panic! at the Disco.
I have Demi Lovato and Def Leppard.
I have Myra and Mirah.
I have Tegan and Sara and Meg and Dia and Aly and AJ.
I have AFI and Blaqk Audio.
I have Blink182 and Angels and Airwaves.
I have hip-hop and tribal music.
I have swing and rock and pop.
I have Christian and country.
(In some cases, I have Christian pop, Christian rock, Christian metal and Christian hip-hop)
I have music I got for free.
I have music I paid for on iTunes.
I have music I acquired from Limewire.
I have music I wrote and sung myself.
I have music my daddy sang himself.
I have lullabies and music my grandpa would have an aneurysm if he heard.
I have music my friends love.
I have music my friends can't stand.
I have music I originally hated but then grew to love.
I have a very limited musical taste.
^^^note sarcasm ^^^
I have African music and French music.
I have German music and Hawaiian music.
I have Disney stars and 'explicit content' signs.
I have Journey and Jim Croce.
I have Paramore and Panic! at the Disco.
I have Demi Lovato and Def Leppard.
I have Myra and Mirah.
I have Tegan and Sara and Meg and Dia and Aly and AJ.
I have AFI and Blaqk Audio.
I have Blink182 and Angels and Airwaves.
I have hip-hop and tribal music.
I have swing and rock and pop.
I have Christian and country.
(In some cases, I have Christian pop, Christian rock, Christian metal and Christian hip-hop)
I have music I got for free.
I have music I paid for on iTunes.
I have music I acquired from Limewire.
I have music I wrote and sung myself.
I have music my daddy sang himself.
I have lullabies and music my grandpa would have an aneurysm if he heard.
I have music my friends love.
I have music my friends can't stand.
I have music I originally hated but then grew to love.
I have a very limited musical taste.
^^^note sarcasm ^^^
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am human.
I try very hard to act more mature than what my age group typically does. I usually do not conform to the term 'teenager'. I am not reckless. I am not hormone-driven. I am shy and rational and see past the ways of my peers.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not still insecure.
I look at other girls and feel fat and ugly and clumsy. Now, I know for one thing I am far from fat, and not really ugly, per se, but I am clumsy. I am not going to even try to defend that one.
I am also extremely prone to jealousy. I walk down the halls and see couples coupling and I just kind of feel this annoyance building within...such an annoyance that I really would like to grip their necks in my hands and squeeze the life out of them.
Not that I would do this, however. Shy, remember?
But, yeah, look close enough at my shoulder and you'll see a little green beast perched there quite frequently. I am jealous of people who can dance. I am jealous of people who are in love, because I haven't figured out how to be that yet. I am jealous of girls who say the right thing, and be the right person.
I guess I shouldn't care...No, I really shouldn't. But it is kind of heartbreaking, sometimes, how obvious my faults are.
And now, to show what triggered it all. A lame Disney movie. "Another Cinderella Story". I liked it. But this part here made my heart squeeze painfully:
(please excuse the Spanish subtitle. I couldn't find the screenshot without it...)
But that doesn't mean that I'm not still insecure.
I look at other girls and feel fat and ugly and clumsy. Now, I know for one thing I am far from fat, and not really ugly, per se, but I am clumsy. I am not going to even try to defend that one.
I am also extremely prone to jealousy. I walk down the halls and see couples coupling and I just kind of feel this annoyance building within...such an annoyance that I really would like to grip their necks in my hands and squeeze the life out of them.
Not that I would do this, however. Shy, remember?
But, yeah, look close enough at my shoulder and you'll see a little green beast perched there quite frequently. I am jealous of people who can dance. I am jealous of people who are in love, because I haven't figured out how to be that yet. I am jealous of girls who say the right thing, and be the right person.
I guess I shouldn't care...No, I really shouldn't. But it is kind of heartbreaking, sometimes, how obvious my faults are.
And now, to show what triggered it all. A lame Disney movie. "Another Cinderella Story". I liked it. But this part here made my heart squeeze painfully:
(please excuse the Spanish subtitle. I couldn't find the screenshot without it...)
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