I'm in one of those moods where I'm just kind of like bleh. It's that time of the evening for me when my mind begins to spill open like a cup with too much water. My thoughts go everywhere. My eyes want to shut, but I refuse to allow them to do so. Everything feels good, but very very bad all at the same time. Life wants to end, to quiet itself so no one can disturb you in your more vulnerable time. It's like an open diary behind glass, trying to protect itself from the world's waiting eyes, but failing miserably.
Today felt lost. It's like, I did all these things, but still, I did nothing. I did homework. I did my Bible study. I went to the fair. But it felt robotic, like there was no feeling in any of it.
I feel myself changing, kind of. I used to be super talkative, hyper, and happy. I used to be so, so willing to share my thoughts with anyone who will listen. "How do you feel right now?" someone would ask. "I feel GREAT!" I would respond very truthfully. "What are you thinking about?" someone would pry. And I'd plunge into a deep description. But now it's different. "What are you thinking?" "Nothing," I lie, because I don't want to explain the truth. "How are you feeling?" "Fine," I'll respond, because that one word is easier to say than the truth, that I'm feeling such a hodge-podge rush of emotions that I sometimes cannot even properly pin down my feelings. It's personal, and people get so offended when you simply don't want to tell them those personal thoughts. Why, though? My feelings and thoughts are my own. There are no mind-readers out there who can penetrate my mind and force me to explain every emotion, thought, or detail of my life. And I'm quite thankful for that.
And sometimes, I believe I can mind-read myself. I get this feeling like something's going to happen, and though my inferences are not always right on, they kind of are close. Last night, I thought, "Something big will happen tomorrow." Today, I go on a Ferris Wheel for the first time. A BIG ONE. So maybe that's not quite mind-reading, but it felt big to me. Another time, I thought, "I feel like I'm going to walk away from this experience with a new crush." And I did. Sometimes I think I know what someone will say before the words leave their mouth. Sometimes I'm scary right.
But maybe I just have a good grasp on human nature.
I fell in love with this new song. It's very innovative, and I listen to it at least 20 times a day. The song can be heard here.