If three people comment this post, I'll post up a portion of the story I'm writing. Any takers?

These are times when I wish I could run away; wish I had the gall and the courage. Times when I feel everyone around me is simply ignoring my sorrow, or perhaps I really am that great of an actress. In short, nothing truly is plaguing my soul except the lonesomeness I cannot escape. I feel confined within this home and within this body. I wish I were somewhere else, was someone else. I feel so weak, admitting to this fault of mine, but it's my true feelings and it seems ridiculous to mask these, especially to people who read my blog but otherwise know little of me - with the exception of my friend Cass. I feel like shit, that's all I can say. My life has been diminished to a room, although this is, of course, my own choice. I've spent my summer days watching Gilmore Girls, until I ran out of episodes that I had on DVD, then I turned to online episodes of InuYasha (I found a great free online anime provider). I feel pathetic. I feel lonely. It doesn't matter that I can text people all day if I so choose, it's the fact that that's all I do. Three times today I nearly got in my car and drive away, a crime only because I have yet to possess a license of my own. I just need to get out of this TOWN. I feel so trapped!!!! I'll go with anyone just to leave, even if they're just going to the grocery store or to Target or Home Depot. I - I just want to be with other people.

But I guess I'm so pathetic even my so-called 'best friend' turns a cold shoulder to me.

To my future One And Only,

I am sixteen years old, and that doesn't seem like a lot. But I think more than I speak, which says something because I speak more than most people would like. And trust me, at sixteen, I've thought long and hard about what I want my husband to look like, act like, and just generally be like. At sixteen, I have no clue if you'll be anything like my imagination, but I intend to detail it precisely right... now.

I don't know what you'll look like, but sadly, here lies potentially the most shallow piece of myself. Because I cannot imagine marrying anyone unattractive. Wait - before you think me superficial, please hear me out. "Attractive" is such a broad spectrum to me, because I think Pete Wentz is attractive, but I also think Matthew Perry is attractive (if you just said or thought "Who?" at Matthew Perry it is clear we cannot be together). I drool at Davey Havok and also at Corbin Bleu. "Sexy" holds no boundaries to me. Sexy is African and sexy is Caucasian and sexy is Latino and Native American and Asian and Middle Eastern. Sexy is red-haired and brunnette and black-haired and caramel-colored. Blonde is less sexy than the rest of these. Sexy is gorgeous eyes (I'm particularily partial to green eyes). Sexy is thin and muscular, but sexy is also a little chunky. I imagine a mix of all these things in you. I wonder how many qualities you'll hold?

As for your personality, you MUST be open-minded and silly and crazy and spontaneous and a little insane. Please kiss me when we're angry and please make our dates at strange places. Remember what I like, always, because I try to remember what you like. Treat me like a lady, but don't reat me like a delicate flower which cannot do man-things. Please don't text on dates - it's rude. Introduce me to your favorite bands, and love all kinds of music because music is the second-most holy thing on this planet. Speaking of holy things, I want us to share a religion that loves its God whole-heartedly. (And speaking of holey things, I like swiss cheese!) Travel with me, and I don't just mean across the country or to Europe or Asia or Africa or anywhere like that. I want to go there, too, but sometimes I just want to walk. Driving doesn't let you stop and look and see. Let's walk around Seattle, walk around Portland, walk around Forks or Bellingham or Tillamook.

I hope you don't like Halo or World of Warcraft, but if you do, well...you're a guy. I hope you're rough, but sweet and sarcastic, but sincere and sensitive. Be a contradiction. I hope you love music like you love breathing and I hope you love Jesus twice as much as you love me. I hope you read. I hope you love to obtain new knowledge and are sad when college ends because it's the end of structured learning and you love that like me. I hope you're tidy and cool-headed and tall and muscular, to compensate for all I am not. I hope when you read this, I am still a virgin and so are you. I hope you pressure me about all the right things and leave all else alone. I hope you'll watch chick flicks with me and love them. I hope you cry at "My Sister's Keeper" and "The Notebook" and "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas." When we watch "Dirty Dancing," I hope you hold me while I cry (I also hope you see that I'm not crying because it's really sad, but because I see you and I see Johnny and I worry that could happen to us). I hope you dance in the rain and I hope you sing well. I hope you have passion and love in your heart. I hope you like the rain. I hope we grow old together.

Now I'm sad... =[

I love you, my Future.

To Maximum Capacity...

Yeah, so stupid me, I can't figure out how the hell to send you a message. So I'm going to reply here and hope to hell you check...? Anyways. I'll be updating both semi-frequently. Hopefully, once or twice a week. The other will be mostly one-sentence blog posts.

I'd also like to take this moment to beg any reader of this to PLEASE tell your friends. I currently have two lovely, faithful readers, and I thank and love them dearly. But I'd like more. Cuz I'm gready like that. And I can't spell... (greedy not gready...)

Going to a movie with my brother tonight. We're going to see X-Men Origins. Hopefully I won't need to have remember what happened in the other three (three...yes?) movies, because I totally forgetted. My favorite character was always Rogue. Don't know why. But I always wanted to be her. Just like in Rocket Power I wanted to be Reggie. I wanted to be a tough girl. But alas, I was - and am - a wimp.

Which brings me to my first question for the comments: Who of X-Men is the most rockingest?

For the second time in the history of this blog, someone I do not know has visited and left a comment! A very nice comment, too. =] I want to thank you, Francois. And you should know that I did check out your blog, too, and it was way rad. Your posts are funny. =] I loved the Mac v. Microsoft one. *coughMacsarebettercoughcough* I really do hope you come back.

Changed the background, did you notice? Tried doing that stupid HTML code thing but apparently The Nerd is too inept to do that. I seriously spent two hours trying to figure it out. My brother went for a walk, came back and said, "You're still on that thing?!" I scowled. I actually didn't know there was a way to change the backgrounds from the usual templates. Heh. Smart one, eh?

I've been a very infrequent poster lately, but I am willing to change. In fact, I have a business proposition for you: if you invite ONE FRIEND to view my blog, I will blog once a day for a year!

New question: WILL YOU DO THIS FOR ME????

Finally, I firmly believe Twitter is a waste of time. Do you tweet?

In case you need actual instructions: please answer the bold in the comments. Thank you.

So naive....

And I thought Hitler was the only one who forced people of a certain race into concentration camps.

Roosevelt did it too. Same time, marginally better conditions.

So sad.. =[

How I Know There Is a God

I know God exists when I am going on a vacation for the weekend and see that my online class has few expectations for once in my life.

I know God exists when my friend wants to be in a play where rehearsals are Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday...and she works Wednesday and Friday.

I know God exists when my shy friend suddenly is bold enough to say, "Decide."

I know God exists when my arch enemy sees me crying and asks what's wrong.

I know God exists when I see a beautiful day like today.

My Favorite Names

Favorite Guy Names:
Dimitri
William
Davey
Alexander

Favorite Girl Names:
Kathleen
Elaine
Astrid

Music Exclusiveness.

On my iTunes

I have African music and French music.
I have German music and Hawaiian music.
I have Disney stars and 'explicit content' signs.
I have Journey and Jim Croce.
I have Paramore and Panic! at the Disco.
I have Demi Lovato and Def Leppard.
I have Myra and Mirah.
I have Tegan and Sara and Meg and Dia and Aly and AJ.
I have AFI and Blaqk Audio.
I have Blink182 and Angels and Airwaves.
I have hip-hop and tribal music.
I have swing and rock and pop.
I have Christian and country.
(In some cases, I have Christian pop, Christian rock, Christian metal and Christian hip-hop)
I have music I got for free.
I have music I paid for on iTunes.
I have music I acquired from Limewire.
I have music I wrote and sung myself.
I have music my daddy sang himself.
I have lullabies and music my grandpa would have an aneurysm if he heard.
I have music my friends love.
I have music my friends can't stand.
I have music I originally hated but then grew to love.

I have a very limited musical taste.
^^^note sarcasm ^^^

I am human.

I try very hard to act more mature than what my age group typically does. I usually do not conform to the term 'teenager'. I am not reckless. I am not hormone-driven. I am shy and rational and see past the ways of my peers.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not still insecure.

I look at other girls and feel fat and ugly and clumsy. Now, I know for one thing I am far from fat, and not really ugly, per se, but I am clumsy. I am not going to even try to defend that one.

I am also extremely prone to jealousy. I walk down the halls and see couples coupling and I just kind of feel this annoyance building within...such an annoyance that I really would like to grip their necks in my hands and squeeze the life out of them.

Not that I would do this, however. Shy, remember?

But, yeah, look close enough at my shoulder and you'll see a little green beast perched there quite frequently. I am jealous of people who can dance. I am jealous of people who are in love, because I haven't figured out how to be that yet. I am jealous of girls who say the right thing, and be the right person.

I guess I shouldn't care...No, I really shouldn't. But it is kind of heartbreaking, sometimes, how obvious my faults are.

And now, to show what triggered it all. A lame Disney movie. "Another Cinderella Story". I liked it. But this part here made my heart squeeze painfully:

(please excuse the Spanish subtitle. I couldn't find the screenshot without it...)

BUY MY BOOK!!!!!!!!!!




Please?

My Goals

1. Become a famous author
2. Meet Davey Havok
3. Have two or three kids and name them Davey, Elaine, and...something else
4. Go to Western Washington University
5. Get out of my hometown
6. Get a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist
7. Travel the world!!!!!!!

Treading lightly....

I get so tired of treading around eggshells.
Walking carefully so that no one is hurt.
Lately I've let loose more often; refused to accommodate my feelings for others.
And guess what. They don't like me like that.
So apparently I've been lying.
So apparently I'd have no friends if not for my acting.
Too damn bad.
I have true friends who stick by my side despite my ruthlessness.
I just hate those baby suckers who I have to watch what I say.
Only now am I realized the weak skins of some.
The tough exteriors of others.
And I'm glad I'm learning this now.

I was just wondering if anyone else does this.

So my mom bought me a magazine the other day because it had Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson on the front (the costars of Twilight for all you hermits out there). I began reading it from the start, but grew bored and closed it. Today I opened it, starting at the back. I'd read each page starting at the back and going toward the front. When I would look at articles, I'd skip about the page rather than reading methodically left-to-right, top-to-bottom. The same thing happens with lists. I start at the bottom and read to the top. ???

So. I was wondering. Anyone else do this? Or do you read other things strangely? Tell me. =]

>=[

Read that article then come back to me.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27706917/?GT1=43001















For all of those who were lazy and did not read it, it talked about girls. And their sex lives. It says that girls, on average, are losing their virginity at age 15. I am 15. I thought that rate was going down? Most girls my age are virgins with no plans of changing that status any time soon. Like me. I want to wait until marriage, for heaven's sake! I want the satisfaction of getting to senior year and being all like, "Oh, what? You guys lost it and now regret it? Well guess what! I still have mine!"

I guess it just is appalling to me. At the same time we speak of a woman's strength in today's society, here is this statistic. And it pisses me off because it makes ALL of us look bad! Why ruin an entire banana with one bruise? WHY NOT FREAKING WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE SURE ABOUT EVERYTHING AND YOUR EMOTIONS DO NOT RULE YOU??????????

High-schoolers are retards.